Community, connection and making friends when you move abroad
How moving abroad taught me that friendship takes time, connection starts locally, and community can grow in the most unexpected places.
When you move abroad to a country where you aren’t a native speaker, feeling lonely and disconnected from your surroundings can be an unavoidable consequence.
I moved to France with my husband and baby, settling in an area where we had friends and family relatively close by. But after that initial burst of energy and support from those around us, I definitely started to feel the impact of being away from the UK.
I grappled with this for a while, especially as a new mum. I’d just left an NCT group of mums who I’d formed a real bond with, and a wonderful network of friends and family who lived close by.
My initial approach was typically British: searching for baby groups and mum meet-ups. News flash: these don’t really exist in rural France, or even in much of France at all, as most mums return to work after 12 weeks and young children are placed in childcare. Activities with children tend to happen on Wednesdays (a non-school day for younger children) or weekends, and typically start when children turn three.
From my initial search, I found a weekend soft play class in the village gymnastics hall, which has been fantastic for Miss S. After putting in the effort to go regularly, I made my first mum friend, also an expat, after a year of attending. We now hang out regularly.
I also turned to local expat groups on Facebook. There are loads, and it’s hard to know which ones will be a good fit. I initially found a great group, but they met in the evenings for wine, which didn’t work for me with a baby and a husband working all hours. But after continuing to put myself out there, I came across a message from a British woman looking for a walking buddy, and I now have a fantastic local friend I walk with weekly.
After some honest conversations with my husband, we agreed we each needed a social activity outside the house. So last September, I took the plunge and joined an evening dance class in my village. It's been a while since I was president of the aerobics society at university, and African dance was not something I ever imagined doing, but I thoroughly enjoy it. It's not just the workout or the mindfulness of 90 minutes of movement accompanied by live music. It's the feeling of being part of a local community of women.
Looking back, the most grounding sense of connection has come from local, everyday interactions. People I now see regularly, who know me, and who I speak with. That starts with our neighbours, including our wonderful 97-year-old neighbour who I aspire to be like one day. But also includes our daughter’s nounou (a total godsend), the manageress of our local Carrefour, the ladies who run the weekly library, the Sunday fruit and veg market stallholders, and the older gentleman who does daily laps of our village. These familiar faces make a huge difference to my everyday life.
More broadly, moving abroad changes friendships, just as ageing and life phases do. One of the unexpected blessings has been reconnecting with people. Some old friends who I didn’t see much when I lived in the UK now speak to me more often. Some have visited us, and others are planning to. That’s been a real gift.
What I’d do differently next time
(A, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical. We are not moving again!)
Find a hobby or activity that enables me (on my own) to mix with people sooner, ideally where language is less of a barrier
Make time for local expat groups and meet-ups on Facebook
Sign up to local and regional newsletters to find out about events
Ask people, at shops, markets or parks, how they spend time with their children. It helps understand the local rhythms and culture better
When I first arrived, someone told me it would take at least two years to feel at home in France. I now wholeheartedly agree. Building connection and friendship abroad takes time, and more importantly, it takes resetting your expectations about what those relationships will look like.
And who knows, you might even end up doing African dance too.